


I Tried To Make An Emperor's New Groove Joke Here, But It Wasn't Working Out.

by Gallus



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alive Greed (Fullmetal Alchemist), Gen, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 14:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19087285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gallus/pseuds/Gallus
Summary: Xing's government meets Greed.





	I Tried To Make An Emperor's New Groove Joke Here, But It Wasn't Working Out.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this to try to get out of some writers block
> 
> hopefully it worked!

Few expected the Yao boy's little trip to Amestris to amount to much of anything. The very idea of using some foreign country's science to achieve immortality was preposterous. After all, what knowledge of the sciences could some upstart military state possible have that was unknown to the esteemed scholars of Xing?

As the months wore on the topic became a bit of a joke, as people speculated as to what might become of the wayward prince. Maybe he'd come crawling back with some sort of foreign snake oil like the Ding boy had, or perhaps he'd found himself a foreign mistress to run off with.

The most likely answer was that he simply died on the journey through the desert.

No one could have predicted that one day Ling Yao, 12th son of the emperor of Xing, would return home with the mythical philosopher's stone in one hand, the mark of a devil on the other, and declare to the court that he had bargained with a demon for the secret to immortality.

Of course before Ling Yao could be named heir to the throne the matter of the demon had to be dealt with.

The story that the prince told was that philosopher's stone was the physical manifestation of half of the demon's power, and in exchange for weakening itself so greatly it would live out the rest of its days under the prince's skin.

There were questions of course.

Would the demon be a threat to Xing?

“Naw, he's not interested in things like that. Never really has been.”

If the demon had given away half of its power would it die when the prince did?

“Probably? We're not about that one to be honest.”

Why would a demon agree to such a deal?

“Guess he just likes me.”

Surely the demon must want something more out of this arrangement.

“Do you just want to talk to him directly? I'm sure that would be much easier.”

And just like that, the prince's demeanor changed entirely. A lazy smirk spread across his face. His respectfully straight posture shifted to a slouch that made him seem cat-like. Something in his eyes was different, sharper. 

“Howdy, the name's Greed.” the demon drawled in a thick, Amestrian accent, “So, how can I be of service on this fine day.”

-

Miss Lan Fan might be the Yao clan's the most trusted bodyguard, but she was far from the only one.

So after the Prince returned at last, the guards were gathered so that miss Lan Fan could give instruction on how to deal with the demon.

“First of all,” she had said, “his name is Greed, do not call him 'the demon', and do not act afraid of him, his ego large enough as is.”

The lecture had gone on for quite a while, Guìyīng had taken many notes. 

Most of the notes went along a similar vein as the first. Miss Lan Fan had gone out of her way to emphasis how obnoxious the de- Greed could be, and how to minimize that level of obnoxiousness.

Guìyīng notes had proven to be so useful that, after the initial excitement of the Prince's possession wore off, several of Guìyīng's colleagues had come to her for help in dealing with the dem- Greed's attitude.

Guìyīng had a few tips.

Never let Greed hear you refer to him as “The demon”. For some reason, the demon finds it hilarious to be called a demon, and would take you referring to him as such as a sign of weakness.

Don't show any reaction to his little nicknames. Even if it's embarrassing or demeaning. Reacting is a sign of weakness.

Some times the- Greed pretends to be the prince. His impersonation is pretty good, likely because the prince sometimes aids him in an effort to avoid work, but you can always tell the different by their energy. Greed's aura is similar to that of the Prince, but it's somewhat off. If you are in doubt, look to see how nearby animals are reacting, they can always tell the difference.

The list goes on. Guìyīng has made flash cards for dealing with different scenarios.

The most important one, in Guìyīng's humble opinion, was to never interrupt Greed when he was talking to himself, or standing silently with his head tilted to the side. When he was doing either of those things that met he was talking with the Prince, and Guìyīng had always been taught that interrupting was rude.

-

The weirdest thing about the demon, Lěi thought, was how tender it could be sometimes when it thought no one was looking.

Wait, maybe tender wasn't the right word. Sweet?

Kind.

It was always doing little things, like trying (and failing) to get stray dogs to eat out of its hand, or trying (and only sometimes failing) to sneak sweets from the kitchen to the children that lived around the palace.

And, Lěi had heard through the grape vine, the demon was particularly concerned with the health of victims of Alkahestry based accidents. Mostly unwilling test-subjects from what Lěi could gather. Lěi never followed up on that rumor, it seemed to much like gossip, and if there's one thing Lěi hated it was gossip.

It was a nice change of pace though, to hear a pleasant rumor going around for once.

The meanest Lěi had ever seen the demon was probably the same night he'd seen it at its nicest. Lěi had been on guard out side the Emperor's chambers that night, and his first thought when he'd heard the commotion had been, _“Why's it always on my shift?”_.

Lěi was right outside the screen panels that separated the Emperor's bed from the window when he heard it. The sound was so soft he'd almost missed it, and only realized what it was after he'd started slowly turning to look.

The Emperor was crying.

Hmm. 

There was nothing about how the deal with this situation during job training.

But before Lěi could do anything, the demon woke up. Lěi could make out the faint shape of the Emperor sitting hunched over through the screen, and he watched as one of the Emperor's arms lifted up to rest on the back of his own head. After a moment the crying softened even more, and Lěi heard a quiet shushing take its place.

Lěi couldn't quite make out the words, but the shushing sounded familiar. It sounded like how Lěi's older brother used to sound when he would comfort Lěi after a nightmare when they were young.

The screen slid open and Lěi found himself face to face (well, more like side-of-face to face) with the demon. Its face was blotchy and somewhat tear streaked. As soon as it registered Lěi standing there it swore at no one in particular, and marched across the room to a dresser.

It marched back toward Lěi while shrugging on a long coat saying, in a way a less polite person would describe as threatening, “You're not gonna tell anyone about this. 'k? This never happened. I hear one word of this gets out, and I will end you, human.”

And so on.

Lěi nodded, he felt surprisingly calm, “Of course, sir, I can't stand gossip.”

Lěi was about to become the demon first victim, he could feel it.

The demon glared at Lěi for a moment. It must have been satisfied with his answer, because it nodded back with a slight grunt, and pushed past Lěi to hop out the window.

Lěi leaned over to pull the screen back into place, and spent the rest of the night as if nothing happened.

-

Jūn had been a palace guard for all of six months when he was first assigned throne room duty.

“B-but, sir!” Jūn winced at himself for yelling. “Sir, I've only been on duty for six months, surely this is a mistake.”

“I'm afraid not,” Jūn's commanding officer said, surprisingly somber, “apparently, The Demon heard someone mention you in conversation, and now it wants to meet you.”

Jūn gulped. “Is that a bad thing, sir?”

“No, no. It's just that The Demon wants to now all of the palace staff personally,” Jūn's commanding officer reassured. And now that Jūn thought about it, it did seem like just about everyone else in his barrack had a story about a run-in with The Demon.

“Although,” Jūn's commanding officer continued, “The Demon can be... overbearing at times it shouldn't harm you. There's nothing to worry about, just treat this like any other duty.”

_“Shouldn't?!'_ Jūn squeaked.

And so that's how Jūn found himself one beautiful morning, guarding the throne room, desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone.

The Emperor seemed very nice about the whole thing. He had given Jūn a sympathetic look at the start of the day. Jūn mostly wanted The Demon to go ahead and eat him already and get this over with.

Being a throne room guard was incredibly boring. Jūn's duties consisted of standing completely motionless with three other guards in a decorative looking fashion while the Emperor spoke with various dignitaries that weren't important enough for private meetings. 

The morning crept by slowly, and just as Jūn was starting to think that maybe The Demon had forgotten about him lunch was called. It was time for the guards to filter out for shift change, but just as Jūn made to move for the door, a voice stopped him.

“Oi, stay for lunch, won't you?”

Jūn flinched. The other three guards didn't even slow down. Traitors.

Jūn turned around slowly to see attends were still rushing about setting up for lunch, the demon waved them off.

As he sat down Jūn noticed the distinct lack of other people in the room. The Demon noticed that Jūn had noticed, and waved a hand dismissively, “Don't worry about it kid. S'not like any human can hurt me.”

It wasn't The Demon's safety Jūn was worried for, but he didn't say anything.

The Demon stretched the Emperor's arms back as far as they could go in those robes, and turned to look at a statue in the back left corner of the room. “Hey, dollface, you hungry?” he said, to seemingly no one in particular. After a moment he said, “The kid's asking if you're hungry too.”

At that the imperial bodyguard appeared from behind the statue. Jūn hadn't thought that anyone would have been able to hide behind that.

The bodyguard slipped over to make herself a plate, her mask pulled up just enough to eat. The Demon smirked, and turned its attention back to Jūn.

“So, I don't think we've met.”

Jūn was unsure as to how to address The Demon/Emperor in this scenario.

“Come on now. Don't be shy,” it said, while trying, and failing, to properly eat with its chopsticks.

Jūn snickered, he couldn't help himself. There was just something inherently funny about the Emperor of Xing fumbling with his chopsticks.

The Demon scowled, it was in the process of scooping its food into one bowl.

“Hey now,” it said, “you'd have trouble too, if you'd used forks your whole life.” it grumbled.

“They use forks in hell?” Jūn asked. For some reason the idea of a hell full demons using forks and knifes was even funnier.

The Demon, satisfied with its small pile of food, began to pour it directly into its mouth, using one chopstick as a sort of scoop.

“Well, I did at least.” it said, between bites, “Now, back to you. Relax, kid, have something to eat,” it pointed at Jūn with its remaining chopstick “and tell me about yourself.”

Jūn started to tentatively reach for the food, the bodyguard watched him closely out of the corner of her eye. “What's so interesting about me?” he asked The Demon.

“I don't know yet,” it said, with a wave of its hand, “that's why I'm asking.”

“I'm sure there's nothing I could tell you that you haven't heard from other people before. There's nothing all that special about me.” Jūn said.

The Demon grinned. “See, that's where you're wrong,” it said, “ there's something special about every human. Why else would I spend so much time with you guys?”

It leaned forward to grab a piece of meat with its fingers like a child. “Now come on,” it said, “clock's tickin', and we've got thirty minutes before lunch is over, so start talkin'”

-

Despite being a bit crass, and, well, a demon, word got around that the demon possessing the new emperor isn't so bad, once you get to know him.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I know everyone else is writing cool political thrillers about the implications of Greed being alive post-story. And I know everyone in this fic seemed super chill with Greed, but. hear me out.
> 
> the entire Amestrian government combined had about 48 brain cells, and at least 14 of them were localized to Bradley. Given Xing's size I'm willing to grant it twice that, but i still say nobody on the panel of judges that let the 15/16 year old with the Magic Rock rule the country had any of them.


End file.
